Wow, it has been so long since I have been here. I have been trying hard to recover what ever that means. I still hate the way I look. Even though I have been eating I still have the urge to restrict and to loose. I think of ways to get out of eating but my boyfriend drags me to dinner. It is strange to me that I have gotten stable at about 96 pounds. I think that if I were 94 or 95 it would be ok. I am not looking for anything crazy, just to be slightly underweight. But then again I have to realize that I am not fat at the weight that I am. It is just difficult. I just wish that I could forget about weight loss. But to tell the truth I do not know how to live without thinking about food. If it were not for my boyfriend (who is the most wonderfull man) I do not think I could do it.



As for school it is crazy right now. I feel so anxious that I will not get an A in oriental med and I must! Arg it is just frustating because I want to study for the boards and yet am so busey there is little to do. Oh well I need to go study.

lily

I am working at the mall, I am the pain in the tuckass girl who asks you to do surveys. Yes that is what I do 4 days a week. But hey it pays the rent and it is not so bad. Just from now on be nice to the survey girl. It gets old fast when people tell you to shut up all day or shove their hands in your face. But other than that I like it. I've also been starting some school work because I heard really bad things about this one class. But other than that things are pretty good. I'll update more tomorrow when I have NRG.

Well I just put in my application to be an egg donor, I know it is crazy but I cann't seem to find a job and they pay you over 5,000 dollars. Ofcourse you need hormone shots and I hate needles but still.I don't know what to do. Raphael would kill me if he knew which is why I'm not going to tell him I am thinking about this. Anyhoo list time!

Well I just put in my application to be an egg donor, I know it is crazy but I cann't seem to find a job and they pay you over 5,000 dollars. Ofcourse you need hormone shots and I hate needles but still.I don't know what to do. Raphael would kill me if he knew which is why I'm not going to tell him I am thinking about this. Anyhoo list time!

Cons- Pros
1.They shoot hormones 1.I would be helping
into your body which people who
could make me fat(wonder could not concieve
what part of me that is :/) 2. I would give a
2.I hate needles! child a loving home
3.It hurts (or so I've heard) 3. 5,000 $ = no more
4.I would be giving up my baby credit card debt
(basically) (creditcards helped me take
2 summer course and
overload = graduate=
are still maxed!)
4.I could loose the weight if gained easily (observation)

Date:	2006-05-27 19:07
Subject:	Very happy
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

I passed one of my hardest classes that I will take at UB. There were 8 people that failed it! I am very happy with myself right now.

Date:	2006-05-26 18:18
Subject:	content
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic

I can’t believe its been a full week since I took my last final. It feels strange with nothing to really do. I almost wish we were on a tri-mester schedule because then I would only have 2 weeks of vacation. Long enough to relax and yet not long enough to get bored. I am still looking for a job but hopefully I will have something soon. In fact I have to call 2 people for babysitting jobs. And that would be great. I also put an application to work for a day care center in the evenings. And that would be perfect. It is right by the office and it would be good for during the school year. And they have health insurance and stuff. So I can finally get the tests my doctor wants (he is 99% sure that I have ovarian cysts = too much info I am sure!) Also it is less than 5 minutes from the bus stop. And that is love. In a box.
I am nervous about my grades; this semester was very difficult to say the least. We had our hardest classes, all the upperclassmen told me that it gets better from here on out. And next summer I am in the clinic! That means I get to see patients almost all by myself. I have been thinking about transferring to DO school but I think I need the MCATs. And I do like what I am doing. Its just limited, as a DO there is nothing I can’t do. Well the acupuncture and I wouldn’t learn a lot of herbal stuff. So even though I would be allowed to do more “western” medicine I would not get to do a lot of the stuff I want to do. So maybe I should just stay here? I think I will stay here and see how it goes. If I want later I can look into transferring. But I think I want the ND. It is a growing field and it is fun to be part of something new.
In more personal news I finally moved into my own place= not the DORM!! This is why I need a job so badly. It’s hard to pay the rent with cake. Erin, Alaska my choices are death or death? I also have a family gathering this weekend and Raphael is going with me. I am slightly nervous about him meeting the family. But I can do it. I can dare to eat that peach.
Eating wise I am trying to eat normally but it is a scary thing. And somedays I fail and others I think that I do ok. Only I could hook up with a psychiatrist who doesn’t let me avoid eating or dealing with my problems. How ironic is that?
My father is also driving me to distraction right now. My sister suspects that something is up and even hinted that he might be gay. It is not really fair of my father to tell me something so big. Everyone is going to be so angry with me for not telling me yet how can I can something that personal? Oy vey is all I can say! It’s not my fault; it’s in God’s Plan.
But I will be updating more on (for those who care)

I may be going insane but hey at least I'm smiling. why? Because I have ubber chi. And that is shiny.I had a good day today, unlike the hell I was in yesterday. Micro seems determined to destroy my life. Death to micro!!But what is the worst that can happen? I fail and have to take the challenge exam. But I think I will get the C. I am just not sure I will and that is a lovely source of stress. But I just have to try. Oy is all I can say. Alaska, I am going to email you tomorrow (I am determinded to not let school run my life!!)

I meet the wife, what more can I say? She told him I was a "baby" and that she diddn't want me in the house. He told her I was a student in the office because the kids were there. But I think she would have to be a fool not to know the truth. He is there now but what will she say to him? I know he won't go back to her but still what if she threatens to not let him see the kids? Would she do that? I wonder because she doesn't want him. And does she have the right? She through him out, she put him the trash. Is it right for him to demand him back after I have saved him? Well he is mine now and she is going to have a fight on her hands if she trys to take him back. And when we marry and have babies I will remember this time and never treat him this way. He is a man and he should have the balls,remember ladies MEN don't want you to have the balls.

Which brings me to other thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just be like a office assisant. But the 50's are over. Who knows if I will make a good docter. I will get C's this semestor. Not all but at least 3.And that means I suck. I have a test I need to study for tomorrow. And I've given up because I studied for 4/5 aned got c's and then did not study for 1 and got the same grade. So why should I kill myself for that? My proffessor is a real jerk, he hates us because we are often late (my classmates) so he punishes us all. And he is so boring.

But anyway this morning we almost got caught in bed by the security guard. See we are basically living in the office and today the security guard almost caught us in our homemade bed. EEp is all I can say.

but enough time to go study....

Date:	2006-04-21 23:20
Subject:	so long
Security:	Public
Mood:	ditzy

It has been so long since I have written here. But with 3 exams every week I really have no time to even breath.I have an exam every day next week. I really want school to be over. This semestor is much harder than last. I am going to get Cs for sure. Some of it is the material is harder and some of it is the fact that some teachers hate students. And use them to take out their anger on. Next semstor is going to be so much better. All the upperclassmen say that second semstor is the worst. So as long as I pass (meaning get a C) in everything I should be fine. Oy I am a stress ball.

And then there is my man and that is complex in a way. His mom loves me (which is great). And his cousin and her family like me too.I met his kids yesterday and that was great.It took alot of courage for him to do that. I mean his wife will find out now. Wait did I say wife? Yes I did. He is in the middle of a messy separation/divorce. And maybe I am wrong to be moving in with a married man but I cann't help it. When we look for places to live together it makes me feel safe, like maybe I am loveable. And that is very good for me. Well actually today was really funny because I found a perfect place, except when we went to see it we say that it is in the really bad part of the Ghetto. They found a body a few months ago across the street. So I think not.

I am glad that his kids are so sweet and loving because when we get married (which we will someday, he is not one to give his heart lightly; as he said he wants to commit to me 100%) they will be my stepkids. Which kind of makes my brain hurt since they are 17 and 10. And I'm 24. But lets not go there.

Anyhoo I saw a Tim Hortons and I wanted to cry. Sometimes I stillk miss NU and all the girls. I have a feeling that I am going to be dragging Raphael to Tim so I can explain the Cherry stick.

I hope everyone is ok, and I am doing well. I cann't wait for summer but even though I'm stressed I am happy!

Date:	2006-03-11 23:37
Subject:	arg
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

The pharse "too stupid to live" is quickly flashing itself in my mind right now. Why am I so stupid? I got a freaking 60 on my midterm. Do I have any chance of bringing that up? Not really,oh I can still get a B but there goes my A in biochem. I am so angry at myself. But I am also afraid that Dr.Mattie won't like me now. I am going to go to bed....

Date:	2006-03-11 00:35
Subject:	Eepp
Security:	Public
Mood:	ditzy

Today I bought the best green skirt ever, it is shiny and I love it! I also bought the best PINK shirt for my man. Oh I love how European he can be.He is so shiny. But in other news I was walking around and I saw this poor old man in an alley eating soup, I gave him the singles I had because I felt so badly for him.It seems so wrong that in a place with so much there are people with nothing. I wish I could help them. It seems wrong that the rich can just ignore the suffereing that is so close to them. I bet I am the only person to talk to that man today. And that bothers me. But at least he smile today.

I am nervous about my grades. I hate the waiting.I feel like I am waiting to be judged and it causes such high anxiety in my mind. I feel like I just want to scream. I hate how I feel so judged. Will I be good enough?

Date:	2006-03-09 23:30
Subject:	Fun times!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

I am tired tonight.I had so much fun tonight, I went to NYC with Raphael and walked around while he was in his classes. I went to the store and I bought him some shirts; they were too small( I thought he was a small but he is a medium, if you saw my man you would think he is so tiny). He is so small and thin and beautifull. Sometimesf I feel that I am going to crush him. I feel an overwhemling desire to be perfect for him. I want to be good enough for him. Today at old navy I tried on a childrens size 12 and it fit and I wonder if that means that I am thin? Will I know when I am thin I wonder?

But anyway back to NY I walked around and saw the cutest couples, there were 2 gay men and they were so cute. It made me smile. I love to see people in love. I love to see the happyness on peoples faces and in their hearts. I should become a matchmaker. Like in Mulan. Ohh "I'll make a man out of you! Mysterious as the dark side of the moon" Ohh alaska - Mia culpa, Mia culpa, Its not my fault its in Gods plan.He made the devil so much stronger than the man!"

I am happy that the midterms are finally over. I am so nervous about the grades, I feel like I just want to do well. I feel so stessed waiting for the grades. But it is spring break now! Which is great.

But anyway I have been sort of alianted from the rest of the naturopaths. Sometimes I feel like I don't really fit in there. I have so many more friends in chiro. They seem to know more about me than do the naturos. They seem to care more about me. But I am glad that vicky and I are getting closer. I have missed that so much. I cann't wait till this summer I am hopping that my man and I will get to go to niagara falls.He is so smart. I would love to see him sloused. We could all talk about Robspierre and that would be good times. But I have to go....

I have so much to do, next week is midterms. And my life is so complex right now. How the hell did life get so complex? That is what I want to know. I am sort of lonely today but Raphael will be home soon and thats nice. By home I mean his office, which is where I spent the day skipping 3 classes to study. Did i get much done? Sort of but still. I need to get my ass into gear. I admit though it is easier to study here than in my dorm where there are too many things to distract one. So many shiny things.Something funny? I wore shinny pants one day and there is still glitter on the floor (2 weeks later).l

But I am going to go study now. Yes I will be productive damn it!

Today I am in a good mood. I think I did ok on my test, not perfect but ok. I also had such a wonderfull morning with my man this morning. He made the coffee and I got the cereal ready and made the bed.It was so nice to be with him like that. I am so happy that he is mine. I feel like I could be with forever. I love how he looks at me. Yesterday he told me that he doesn't want me to loose any more weight that he thinks that I am perfect the way I am. But it is so hard. A part of me wants to be normal, wants to eat and not think about it. But I am so afraid. I love him so much but I am afraid of giving this up. It seems to be so much a part of me. He says that together we can fix this. And a part of me believes him. Someday I think I will marry this man. Even though he is 50 with 2 kids. It doesn't matter. Because together we are one. I finally understand what it means to feel complete.

But enough about love, or my love for Raphael. I have to study for midterms. And I think I can do this. This is going to be a good week and all because I have the memory of my man looking atme....

I am ok. I am happy with my man. He is so wonderfull. I feel like I can tell him anything.And yet a part of me is afraid that he will look at me and be sick of all my problems. How can anyone love me? And I am so nervous about studies.Somtimes I feel like I cann't do this, that I cann't do anything. I feel like ok I am not smat enough to be a doctor so then for a few moments when I think I want to go and get the Phd but I am not smart enough for that either. So just what am I good for? sometimes I just want to sit in the corner and cry because I am so stupid and fat. I am not doing as well this semestor and I hate that.I just want to do well, be perfect.I hate the fact that there is all this conflict in my class, everyone is upset about our teacher who is horrible and cann't teach. But I have to get through this I guess. I dream of the day when I am thin and smart and feel like I am good enough.But I have to go study now.

HI,

I am still alive! In the past week my computer has gotten a viruses or something and I haven't been able to go online. I have 6 exams next week and 2 this week so I am very busey. I have also fallen head over heels in love with the best man in the world. The cactch ? He's 50. But he loves me too and so I say age is just a number right? He is wonderfull. I would share his emails but they are sorta personal. And they describe my fall from purity :) No longer can I be a virgin sacricfice. And in a way that is sad. You know whats interesting? I have never wanted children but today in embryo I realized that the pictures of the fetus where adorable and loving. So maybe someday me and my shiny russian? Who knows where the future will go for us.

In other news my new anatomy teacher is a horrible person who is cruel and hurtfull. She made this girl cry today by telling her she was never going to make it as a doctor. She is just horrible. My micro teacher is the best ever. He is this really old Asain man who tells corney jokes all class. And its just brillant. Anyway I have to study. Take care....

I just found out I have to have a colonic in one of my classes because we practice on each other. Why oh why did I sign up for this? could life get any more sucktactular then it is right now?

I have slowly gone insane I think. I have so much work to do its crazy and I have only been here for 2 days of class! I love my micro teacher. He is this old chinese man who is very bitchy and oh so anal. My nutrition teacher is interesting but I think I am going to enjoy the class. I am worried about anatomy, I have a feeling that the female proff won't let me get away with as much as I did with Galton last semestor aka not doing any actual cadaver stuff and just looking at it when it was labeled. Oy Why are female teachers not as good as men? Or am I biased? I am so tired tonight I have a sad feeling I am going to shower and go to bed very early. Is it saterday yet?

Date:	2006-01-08 18:51
Subject:	Great mood
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative

I am in a good mood tonight. I went for a walk today for like an hour. It was just really nice out and sunny and tomorrow it is supposed to be 50 degrees and sunny and that is love. And that is my weather report for tomorrow. Tune in tomorrow for tuesdays report. Anyhoo I just saw a comericial for childrens booster seats and I am 2 inches away from needing one, according to the comercial children 4'9 and under need a booster seat. I am 4'll. That is crazy. Ok this is enough randomness.

I actually got stuff done today and that makes me happy. Tomorrow I have class from 8 to 4 and that is kind of scary. But it is better to have stuff to do than nothing. I am excited to meet a new proffesor and see Dr. Ross again (I had him last semestor). I have nutrition and physiology. Its so funny to have class all day but only actually have 2 different classes. Personally I both like it and don't like it.

In 2 weeks we have a semi-formal and I kind of want to go, but I'm not sure yet. It seems like it could be fun but then again are these things ever fun? I could just go to the movies instead. I want to see Memories of a Giesa (or however one spells those words which are not normally part of my vocabulary therefore I don't know how to spell them).

I can use my journal again! I went home and my mom's computer was broken so I had no internet (which is sad). Well I am back at school now. I have class on monday, at 8 in the morning. I have class everyday at 8 (except for friday). And that is not fun. I also have 28 credit hours, which is kind of scary but I think I can do it. I did ok last semestor - blushes. Ivy is happy to be back here too, she hates the trip. She misses everyone at NU (or maybe I"m projecting?). I am glad to be back but I know in a week I'll be whinning about all my work. Oh well....